The Missings of Rains and Blues

I wonder why I miss being alone sometimes. Not that I want to break up with Britt....just the fact at a points in life, noone knew who I was. No friends, and noone to talk to and I actually got so use to being alone and imagine things and walking and pretending to be other people and now that I'm actually in the world, I miss the simplicity of being alone. Walking alone. Staring off at space and wondering where everyone is at. Did he ever find love? Did she ever find that happy place out from her parents house? Are they the same happy people who loved life. Did some sell out and did some get better? I wonder if Silka made it to heaven. I wonder if Mr. Orosco is still teaching at Stagg High School. What happened to that nice teacher who everyone made fun of? Did they ever tare down that one building? What happened to my phone that I lost and did anyone get my pictures from it?
I guess for better words, my thoughts were best when I was alone. I missed writing so much while watching rain drops fall down. I miss the shades of blues during the winter. If anyone is out there, I stopped with "My...." at the beginning of my titles. I based it off Scrubs and with Scrubs ending with the finale season, I guess it's the right thing to do by not writing "My..." at the beginning. It makes me sad moving on.
Lately things have been good. We went camping last week and I miss it out there. Everyone is so nice in that town. I came home and took cookie, our dog, for a walk and gangsters were everywhere. I don't like stockton very much. But I guess it's my place. I hate serving under bad leaders from my church. I thought I made a good relationship with a pastor there but, he's not as good as I thought. Just another frustrated pastor who tries to go for the best musicians instead of getting things done. Oh Well. That made me sad.
I feel like sitting down someplace cold, and watching people walk by. Maybe watch the world from my window, my floating house hovering over streets all over California. Maybe not?
I miss rains. I miss blues.

Currently In Between Dreams By Jack Johnson see related

My Trusty Four

Currently All That Is Within Me By Mercy Me finally home see related

My Collison!

God has truly blessed me this year. After some troubles within the church and it's many small groups(sunday mornings, sunday nights, wednesday youth night, tuesday morning chapel, and our christ attick band)I finally found a group that's a little less intense than those before, and a little more me. Of course, I dont think i'll ever find a group where it's truly likable because i'm not a leader amongst these groups(at least not in the musical department.I am in the drama and video department) But this group is great.
Collison is the name of the ministries aimed for college people(or people 18-35). Services are on Tuesdays at 7. It's been fun so far. I've had some little things against the smoke machine, the sound guy and how he can't do sound, and some of the song lists and how they're played. Whatever though. We have our own pastor, Pastor Bill
"the Bishop" who is so freaking awesome. Looks just like Will Sasso and acts like him too. Of course, i'm on drums, Ruben on Bass, Jon on guitar. Evan plays guitar as well, along with Raymon on keyboard and Rachel singing. All and all, pretty fun.
I've also been doing lots of fun stuff with BB. We went on a youth snow trip and stayed over night at a small church that's stuck in the hills. It looked just like Ireland, I swear. Beautiful to wake up to. So much green. the air was fresh and crisp. Just heavenly. We jammed on an eletric drum set they had while jon played a five string bass. There was a massage therapist in the group that was still in school, and she was very fun to hang out with. The snow was fun. We had hot dogs and burgers and hid sodas in the snow for them to get cold. We ate at a  place called BEAR MOUNTAIN pizza that had many signs that read, "BEARY GOOD PIZZA!" And then we drove home with a couple of the crazey ones from the group, had a good time listening to music, and made a few friends. Just last Wednesday we went to BB's church and jammed with a fantastic piano player and a drummer name Elliot, who was a super nice guy and had a three year old who he just adored. It was nice seeing them play while it was my turn to get on drums. BB sang, jon played acoustic and electric and Don got his bass. We walked about sound and it was very fun.
Today i'm doing couples massages at a very good price with Angel's sister, who's also a massage therapist. I dont know if i'll get anyone really. it's fifty dollars per person. so a hundred for a couple...which really isn't bad. I usually charge forty-five an hour if it's just me.But whatever.
It's been really fun lately. I didn't realize it, but my mum's best friend was talking with her and he pointed out that all we do is play music at churches, and do church things. I liked that. He pointed out what good boys we were for having such a crappy dad and he said he was poud of us.
I really like how life has turned out for me. I'm very happy. I need to get a job for insurance basically and for "FOR SURE" money. i mean, i really dont want to work mininum because, i cant make about 50 in an hour. i get four clients a week....what the heck. but i would like my own insurance though. i konw a lot of massage therapist do security at Kaiser. I might look into that. i dont know.
Again, my producer called at the end of January, saying he still wants to make my screenplay. It was funny because he keeps saying he's a big shot from Mexico, and I stopped believing. Me and the brothers went to a few flea markets, and who do I see....my producer. In a bunch of cheap mexican movies holding guns and dressed as cowboys. they must of had twenty movies, plus a poster of him near the posters. I couldn't stop laughing.
other than that, things have been great. Life seems so, good. peaceful. stressless. I love it. And it's been good for a long time too.
oh, worth mentioning...i'll just say this....mum walked into an old friend couple days ago. says hi. who do I see the next day? her old best friend(the christian one)at a goodwill, talking on the phone. I wrote a screenplay based on her that I want to get going again cause it reminded me of how good the screenplay was. hmmm....
other than that, I think that's it. Phil Wickham's my favorite artist right now. sounds just like muse...cept, you know, he's a christian artist. I'm going to see BBKING in march and play for a bunch of bikers at a Christians festival. Then No Doubt concert. Camping....lots of things. Anywho, until we meet agian.

Currently Running Scared By Paul Walker, Cameron Bright, Chazz Palminteri, Vera Farmiga, Karel Roden see related

My Dookie

Why did we ever meet? If we never meet, it wouldn't hurt so bad. That place where I said noone would ever touch, well it's still there. What you might not know, and dont get mad until you've finished reading the rest of this, is that I said that to others. Until recently, I've realized that you were the only one that still kept that hollowed out part of my heart. I'm so happy now a days but I miss my friend. I want to scream out, I'M SO IN LOVE! I LOVE BRITTANY! Hey I've seen your sister walking around oak park and California street. Hey Dookie, what's up, how are you doing? That's ok, I'll cry with you. I'll always be here for you.
Why can't that be true now?
You could never take the place of the person i'm with now. Never in a Million Years. And only seeing what happened after our friendship ended only confirms my belief that God is watching over me. That he knew what was going to happen was going to happen. That I wouldn't meet Britt until everything was over. But I want you to know, I did love you. And maybe we wouldn't have lasted as a couple. Or maybe we would have, but who honestly knows? All I know is that I would of been your friend. I would of stayed by your side. I hated that bastard that always put you down. That made you feel unwanted. You were the best girlfriend anyone could ask for and he took you for granted. And i'm happy to hear that ended all well, lol. I want you to know that I still think about you when leaves Rain, not fall, but Rain! I want you to know that I still laugh randomly when I think about your smile, and how happy life seemed around you. I want you to know that none of those things were true. When I found out why this all happened, I screamed at the top of my lungs, WHY DID YOU DO THIS BECAUSE OF THAT! WHY DID YOU RUIN SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL! I cried for so long knowing that was the reason why this happened. I cried for so long. I hated her for that! But even now, I dont even care about her. I dont care about any of them really, and that may be harsh, but it's true. I just dont care. It was hard at first not being able to talk with them, but I got over it quick. I even got over that Rose of mine. Because honestly, you helped me through her too. But there will always be this black grain of sand in my heart that once consumed my heart with a bright light. And your sparked that light. Still, I haven't even touched our romantic side of hiding under tables and starring at each other, because that's all we could do without cheating. I'm talking about our friendship. Crying with one another. Sitting on a porch.
But those days are gone. My views are so strong. And so are yours. And I didn't want to believe that it could get in the way of our friendship. And even now, I pray one day i'll see you. In a church. And we'll hug each other. And i'll rest my head down, since your short(he he he, just kidding) and we'll introduce our others. and perhaps our children if it's long enough. And it will be okay. But I dont know if that will happen. I'm a dreamer. And you're not a character I can control with a notebook or a laptop.
I did read your last message to the world of anti myspace, which is the old blog site noone reads anymore. I read it, and hated every word. I cried and felt my heart break. Again, I couldn't believe that was the reason. I couldn't believe everyone believed that lie and even now, I can sad about it. But I think i've gone over that enough.
I couldn't believe you tried to contact me. But you did. And you apolozied, and that made me feel better but, I honestly think our views on life now would get in the way of a relationship.
Maybe I was a little out there when it came to relationships and I'm sorry. I didn't try to play anyone. You had someone already. I didn't think anything I did really mattered. and again, i'd like to say, none of that was true to begin with.
My view on sex is sex should be after getting hitched. How could do people who are so much in love not be able to make love? That's just what I believe now. And even now, i struggle with temptation. We can't help what we did in the past. But I will always remember you.
I love Brittany so much. I can't say it enough. I'm so in love with her. And even speaking about this, I dont feel guitly but I wouldn't want her to read about this because, people find it hard to see two best friends who are the opposite sex talking about whatever. And now I'm rambling. so i'll say this....when everything ended, you were the only reason why I cried. You were the reason my heart broke. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, I'm trying to let you know that you meant so much to me. And that you still have meaning to me.
Please dont ever change yourself for anyone. I hated that way you hung your head when that giant buttass would say things to you. You are so much better than that.
I honestly think that this is a real goodbye. You may never read this, but I dont think any type of contact will ever come from to you again. It can't. It be wrong right? Would it? Like I said, maybe one day we'll see each other. I may have been a story teller and I may get in trouble for saying this but I would of done the same for you. Happily. And I hate that all of that happened, and I'm sorry. For anything that was my fault.

Michael Joshua

PS
Goodbye Forever. I Should of just kept this to myself. But you know how it is. I have to express everything and write it out, ha ha ha.........ja...ja...jaaa!

that made me smile to put that on there as a last thing to say, but copying and pasting it back to xanga, and reading it, made me sad. Goodbye.

My Screw Up

I'm scared and angery. On one hand, I shoud have done research on the subject. Of course, I trusted someone in that situation to know what they were doing. It was fun, yet I was disappointed in her. Which made me disappointed in myself. I hadn't worried about it until tonight. And everything about her seems hopeless. She complains so much about everything, takes it, and complains that she has no answers for comfort. First there was the knowledge of the first item which wouldn't work because of reverse in time. Then there was no money because people are too lazy to pay back and she lets it happen. I hate this feeling of waiting for an entire month to see if we'll still be together. If we'll still be the same. I ask God to leave it as is. That I will stop everything if I have to. Or that we will no longer see each other again. I'm mad that she didn't know for sure. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid. I can't go to sleep now. And i'm scared to death of what might happen.